Grace+B.

I Really Want

I really want. I really want a lot of things I don't have: that log cabin Jason and I designed on graph paper, an organized bedroom closet, an organized house. I want to be free from worry, free from agonizing over poorly chosen words, free from my own neurotic insecurities. I want a clean refrigerator and just about any other vehicle other than my gold mom-van. I want a tan, unhealthy though it may be, and time to become a runner so that I can share that with Jason. I want, I want, I want.

I really want a lot of things for my future: a good new teaching position, two happy, well-adjusted daughters, a marriage still going strong. I want a pared-down life, a circle of good friends, a comfortable place to grow old with the man I love. I want education and more of it. I want to be ridiculously over-educated. I want, I want, I want.

But what I really NEED is to want is what I have. I have my two loud, messy, jubilant, glorious girls, teaching experiences above and beyond what I had ever imagined for myself, and a husband, best friend, and partner who makes me laugh at him and at myself. I have a house that is just the right size and the sweetest, dopiest black lab you've ever seen. I have people to love who love me back, graciously and forgivingly. I have joy found in satisfied moments and humorous moments and in those moments where the house is quiet and everyone is safe, warm, fed and contented. I have, I have, I have.